Tara Brach & Radical Acceptance

I listen to a lot of podcasts. For a lot of different reasons. I listen to Savage Love and Guys We Fucked to lightly entertain myself while walking dogs, I listen to This American Life, Radiolab and Snap Judgement when taking a migraine nap or screen break and want to hear a beautifully told story.  I listen to Tara Brach's meditation talks in two instances: 1. To help me sleep (honesty is the best policy, right?) 2. When I feel like punching someone/thing because I have so many feelings that I don't know what to do with. 

A recent peaceful moment, provided by Lubber Run & Lucy, the bulldog. 

She's a Buddhist teacher of meditation, "emotional healing" and "spiritual awakening". I put those terms in quotes not to make fun of them, but because I recognize that they are very subjective concepts that may seem wishy washy at first glance. I don't meditate, yoga is the most spiritual activity I've ever been involved in, but somehow her teachings click with me.

This evening I read this quote at the end of my yoga class:

“The emotion of fear often works overtime. Even when there is no immediate threat, our body may remain tight and on guard, our mind narrowed to focus on what might go wrong. When this happens, fear is no longer functioning to secure our survival. We are caught in the trance of fear and our moment-to-moment experience becomes bound in reactivity. We spend our time and energy defending our life rather than living it fully.” From Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha 

I realize that it seems like a pretty negative quote. It points out an emotional pattern that can be damaging and articulates how that damage is embodied. But for me, reading that passage was a happy surprise because it describes my emotional experience in a very simple way.

Fear or anxiety, has been an actor in my life for a long time, with varying degrees of power over my mental state at any given time. It's helped me in some ways, pushing me to work hard in school, to keep my room clean, to do X or Y menial task as soon as possible because of my fear of failure. But that fearful energy has also kept me from actually experiencing much of the beauty in my life. Because I was so addicted to my quest for achievement, I didn't take the time to breathe and see the wonderful things/people in front of me.

In my case, the fear-motivated achievement rampage ended in a screeching halt when my body decided to revolt and trap me in a year-long migraine that sent me back to my hometown to try to sort things out. One of the things I learned in that time away from normalcy was that anxiety & fear inhabit my body, and the resultant stress had built up so much that I cornered myself into sickness.

Because I found myself so abruptly halted in my path to adulthood, I was forced to look around a little.  It turns out, it's pretty easy to live in the moment when your future is a giant question mark. The life I found when forced to step out of my fear-driven rat race grew into a pretty sweet setup, rich with friends, yoga, dogs and family.  When I let go of the fight-or-flight impulses that led me to push myself so hard, I could breathe and take pleasure in simple things.

Tara Brach has another quote that describes the emotional growth I've experienced in the last few years:

"When we put down ideas of what life should be like, we are free to wholeheartedly say yes to our life as it is." - Tara Brach

Once I abandoned the lofty expectations I had set for myself, I was much more able to enjoy things for what they were and experience my emotions in a much fuller way. It was easier for me to simply know how I felt about something when I let go of how I thought I was supposed to feel. My meta-feelings (feelings about feelings) had generally been negative and self-deprecating. Now, thanks to yoga, Tara Brach and some hard knocks, my internal critic has quieted down a lot.

For example: I used to get anxious when sitting quietly with people, scared that if I didn't fill the dead air with some chatter or activity that people wouldn't enjoy being around me.  Now, some of my favorite moments are the quiet ones, spent with someone I care about, enjoying a warm night or lovely view. The silence gives us license to speak only when we have something worth saying, so it has lead me to much deeper (and more memorable) conversations than I may have had before.

Perhaps this is all an overly complicated way to say that I am growing up. Either way, I think that Tara Brach's teachings can be a wonderful tool when trying to avoid the vicious cycle that can be caused by an overactive mind. I'll close on a positive note:

"There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life." - Tara Brach 

XO,
KCZ

DIY Hippie Deodorant

My deodorant situation.

Homemade Deodorant: OK, so I know it sounds a little out there. But if you've already decided to go aluminum-free on your pits, you know that a vast majority of the hippie deodorants out there simply don't work. Tom's sometimes works, but only in the apricot scent. For awhile I was into the crystal but you could only apply it on clean, dry skin (my pits are usually neither). There's a whole slew of other brands that smell great in the tube, but once you put them on you just smell like... armpit.

So, I decided to go full-on DIY and make it myself. The internet is rife with recipes for homemade deodorant, almost all of them involving coconut oil and a combination of cornstarch or baking powder.

The one I chose has a cream & powder component to it, which means you slather on a bit of the cream, then dust some powder on top. After that: you're good to go. I haven't had a stinky-scented surprise when I lift my arms for Down Dog since I started using this magic concoction:

Part A: Cream:
Combine the following:

• 1/4 cup extra virgin coconut oil
• 1/2 tbsp vitamin E oil
• 10 drops tea tree oil
• 10 drops lavender essential oil (optional)

Part B: Powder
Combine the following:

• 1/2 cup baking powder
• 1/2 cup corn starch
• 5 drops tea tree oil
• 2 dried bay leaves (optional)

When you're ready to apply, rub a pea-sized bit of the cream in each armpit then dust some of the powder on with a makeup brush/washcloth/your hands. Bam! You're done. Look at you, hippie.

Note: according to the internet, some people are sensitive to baking powder. If your skin gets angry when you use this combo, try replacing the baking powder with arrowroot powder. 

The Perils of Walking in Yoga Clothes

Street art from Tatyana Fazlalizadeh's Stop Telling Women to Smile.

I walked home from work yesterday.

It was a little over two miles, and since I work at a yoga studio, I was wearing yoga leggings & a t-shirt. What I wear shouldn't be relevant to a story about me walking home, but it is.

That's because a man stopped me on the street during my walk home to tell me how attractive I am (quite, apparently). Here's how the interaction went:

Him: Excuse me?
Me [expecting to be asked for directions or the time, I stopped walking]: yes?
Him: Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt your walk.
Me [still expecting him to be asking for help, which I was happy to give]: No, it's fine. What's up?
Him: I just wanted to let you know that you are really attractive. Like, very cute. I wanted to tell you that.
Me [now very uncomfortable]: Um, thank you.
Him: Yeah, you just, you look really attractive.
Me: OK, thanks. I'm going to get back to walking now.
Him: OK that's fine, I mean I was going to ask you if you wanted to get drinks or dinner or something later...
Me: Bye, have a good day. 

So there's a lot to talk about here. Feminists have (rightfully) been pushing back against catcalling in public in a number of really awesome ways: The Hollaback app, Stop Telling Women to Smile and these articles in Ebony, Hello Giggles and Jezebel. But this wasn't a textbook case of catcalling. He was fairly polite about the fact that he was interrupting my walk home to tell me that he was physically attracted to me. Nonetheless, my feminist alarm bell went off as soon as he started talking about my physical appearance instead of, say, asking for directions to the metro (or even commenting on my yoga shirt).

This Jezebel article points to one of the issues at play here: body language/conveyed interest in the people around you. This guy approached me from behind as I was briskly walking and looking at my phone. I wasn't putting out "talk to me" vibes, I was trying to get home. Should he have gone for it anyway, if he felt that into me? Would I feel differently if I were attracted to him? He was a reasonably attractive guy, but based on the way we interacted and the fact that he stopped me on the street, I feel pretty confident in saying we would not work as a couple. Would his approach have worked on a different kind of woman?

Another perplexing part of this interaction is my own responses, which were all over the spectrum:

1. I felt guilty, like I was not being sufficiently nice to him. I felt bad for not letting him say his piece and ask me out, even though there's no way I would have said yes. 
2. I felt that by wearing yoga leggings as opposed to "real" pants, I was asking for it. This is the most insidious part of my internal dialogue because ideologically, I don't agree with it (here's a good explanation of why, if you're curious). But it is a thought that went through my head and refused to be silenced. The idea that since my bottom half was clad in spandex, I was on display and should have expected to be stopped on the street by someone asking me out. Not because I think I'm hot shit, but because men can't help but objectify us when we dress that way. 
3. I felt exposed, in ways I normally don't when out in public in yoga clothes. Usually, I feel fine, though somewhat embarrassed when I wear "workout" clothing to "non-workout" spaces (restaurants, shops, etc.). That embarrassment comes from a feeling that I'm violating social norms of appropriate clothing. The exposure I felt after being stopped, however, was more because I feared that every person who walked past me would examine/judge my body. Was I opening myself up for that sort of judgement by wearing such form-fitting clothing? Perhaps. But I was not aware of the public gaze until my suitor kindly reminded me of how attractive he found me. 
4. I felt angry, that someone could stop me on the street, take advantage of my willingness to talk to strangers, and objectify me. I also felt angry that this interaction brought up so many thoughts that were clearly driven by hegemonic cultural beliefs about women in public (see items 1-3), not my personal beliefs. 

I don't even know if this qualifies as street harassment, but it certainly made me aware of the issue of street harassment. Usually we hear stories of women being asked to smile, or catcalled in very sexually explicit/violent ways. What about what happened to me? Is it a less insidious version of the same? Or is it just a case of a guy spitting poorly thought-out game? Would a feminist man do the same?

I don't know the answers, but I'd love to hear what you think. Yoga ladies, do you feel comfortable walking around in public in yoga gear? Has something like this happened to you?

Do you think this is street harassment or just an awkward conversation?

XO,
KCZ

Yoga and Body Image

Dove pose at the Georgetown Waterfront, Washington, DC. Photo Andrea Lynn Taylor.

On Monday, I went on a little photo adventure with a few of my yoga babes, including photographer Andrea. We galavanted along the Georgetown waterfront, popping into our most show-off-y poses when we found a patch of good light, trading tales of yoga party tricks and generally enjoying each other's company.

Beth, Alli and I rounded out our evening with a visit to Good Stuff Eatery where we (decked out in yoga garb) went to town on burgers, fries and beers.

It's been a few days since Andrea posted this "sneak peek" shot from our evening together. I have to admit, it is still hard to believe that I'M the person in the picture. This girl seems so serene, poised and most of all, thin.  How could that be me?

For reference, a "before"  picture. 

I've never considered myself a thin person. There were even times when I felt my body veer over the edge of "normal" to "chubby" or "plump", particularly when I saw my weight come within a burger or two of 200 lbs. Luckily, I was raised well enough to know that I have more to offer than my looks. I always assumed that I could simply make up for the extra pounds by being sufficiently smart, funny or interesting. But make no mistake, I did feel that my weight was something I needed to make up for. Clothes shopping was a mixed bag because some items would fit fine, some would make me look like an overstuffed sausage casing. In the latter case, whenever something hugged me in all of the wrong places, it was my body's fault for how crappy things looked. Not the clothing manufacturer, not the designer, not a simple case of a bad fit: I was chubby and so it was my fault when clothing didn't look good. Though I paid attention to what I ate and tended to veer towards healthier options, I had a pretty sedentary lifestyle. I would probably only exercise a couple times a week, never in a strenuous manner.

I want to be very clear about something: my experience is not unique. Every girl (and many full-grown women) I've known has body image issues. It's utterly depressing and unhealthy and a great argument for Feminism (not that men don't sometimes have the same issues) that girls are trained to judge their bodies so harshly that it's nearly impossible to escape adolescence without insecurity.

Starting near the end of 2012, I had a health crisis that caused me to rethink everything in my life. I moved from Portland, OR to my hometown of Arlington, VA. I wanted to make sure that allergies weren't making me sick, so I started an elimination diet, removing all gluten, soy, grains of any kind, sugar, dairy, legumes and caffeine from my diet. For all of my hang-wringing and fussing over ingredients, I didn't feel any better. So I made my diet slightly less restrictive, sticking to the tenets of the Paleo diet, which allowed me to re-introduce natural sugars (such as honey and maple syrup), but not much else. My experiment with these diets lasted a little over 3 months. I lost about 40 lbs, but I was still sick.

At the same time, I started going to yoga on a regular basis. My friend Abbi brought me to Tranquil Space, which I came to love. At first, I went a couple times a week. Then, 3-4. Eventually, I started working at the front desk. This summer, I completed Level 1 Teacher Training, a four-day intensive program that gave me the tools I needed to start teaching yoga. Since training, I do some form of yoga almost every every day.

Now I'm paleo-ish. I eat mostly gluten-free but don't freak out about ingredients much (especially when out at restaurants). If someone offers me a gluten & sugar-full cookie, I'll probably take it. But everything I cook for myself at home is soy, dairy & gluten free.

All of this is to say: I didn't always look this way. Looking like this definitely has its benefits: a lot more male interest, clothes fit better (not my old ones, of course!) and I'm more comfortable in my skin. However, I'd argue that the most important benefits of my "yoga body" are the things it can do.

Things like arm balances, where I trust my hands to carry the weight of my whole body:

Bakasana (Crow Pose) with Alli, Washington, DC. Photo by Andrea Lynn Taylor.

Or chaturanga dandasana a pose that every Vinyasa Yoga class does at least 10 times, but I couldn't manage until I'd been practicing for months:

Chaturanga Dandasana with Beth and Alli, Georgetown Alleyway, Washington, DC. Photo by Andrea Lynn Taylor.

Yes, of course I'm happy that I can wear head to toe spandex and walk around in public with confidence. Of course I love seeing pictures of myself and no longer fretting over my lumpy stomach or chubby arms. But if you asked me what the best thing that came of my (continuing) struggle with illness was, it wouldn't be the weight I lost. It is the knowledge that even though my body often fails me, I can always return to yoga and be reminded that I am powerful. 

XO,
KCZ