Let's tell the truth.

Maya Angelou and her friend Harry. 

“Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.”   

― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

I just finished reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (I can finally give it back to you, Abbi!). I loved her voice, so I looked at a list of her famous quotations to see if any of them spoke to me. This one did.

For the last few years, I've struggled with what to say when people ask me how I am. I aspire to be genuine, open and honest but I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone actually wants to hear that you've been an 8/10 on the pain scale for the last 3 days. "How are you?" is the kind of question many people simply toss into empty conversational airspace, only prepared to respond to "great! and you?", as opposed to a genuinely considered answer.

I used to instinctively respond with something positive when someone popped the question. I couldn't fully articulate it then, but that was because I believed that no one really wanted to know my pain, anger, annoyances or whatever else was truly going on in my head. This instinct, and the belief behind it led to a lot shallow friendships based on empty chatter, but few deep connections. It also meant that I suppressed my feelings/struggles in public, believing that I was only allowed to be sick or upset behind closed doors.

I'm such a big fan of Angelou's quote because my experience has led me to see how unhealthy it is to hide ourselves from the people around us. Years of claiming to be "great" when I wasn't meant a whole lot of swallowed tears, clenched fists and words unspoken. I believe you carry these unexpressed feelings with you, that they stay in your body, unprocessed because we fear there is no socially acceptable way to articulate them. They can harden like a brick, causing you to sink into depression. They can cause clenched teeth (TMJ disorders woo!), huddled shoulders, or crinkled spines because we train ourselves to hide our hearts. I still wear a night guard to protect my teeth from grinding the tension of my day out as I sleep (get in line, gentlemen).

I think we can do better, and I've been trying to do better myself. It's been awkward; led to a handful of weird conversations because I have answered a question too honestly or someone learned something they weren't expecting. Some people in my life find it exhausting, some call it selfish. They've learned not to ask me questions they don't want answered truthfully.

But it has helped me tremendously, in ways I never would have expected. Blessings that have come from my experiment in social psychology:

1. I've built significantly deeper friendships. One of my closest friends, Abbi, and I originally bonded because when she asked why I moved back home, I answered honestly (health issues).  In turn, she shared details of her situation that she usually waits awhile before dropping on someone she hasn't seen in years. Immediately, walls between us fell and we were able to simply be ourselves and support each other through our respective struggles. As part of that support, Abbi brought me to my first class at Tranquil Space, my yoga home. 
2. I'm less anxious in social situations. Instead of worrying about how I'm going to answer this question in a way that won't be "weird' or over-sharing, I just say what makes sense to me.  Sometimes it's the truth, sometimes it's a less intense version of it. Sometimes, I'll tell a white lie (like saying I'm "great" on days where I truly feel the opposite). Either way, I'm able to enjoy conversations as they unfold instead of fearing the inevitable questions.
3. I'm more comfortable in my truth. If I'm feeling angry, I accept that. If my head is killing me, I accept that too. Instead of suppressing my anger or carrying the weight of my pain in secret, I actually process how I'm feeling. I'm not perfect and there's certainly plenty of room for improvement, but my inner voice has definitely gotten louder. 
4. The bad ones, the ones who don't really want to know how my day went, the ones who aren't interested in a genuine conversation, don't waste my time anymore. I make them uncomfortable, or sad, or something else that they'd prefer not to experience. Either way, it's a natural weeding-out process that saves me a lot of time and allows me to focus on relationships that actually matter.

So, I'd like to join Maya Angelou in encouraging everyone to be more honest with the people around them. I think you'll be surprised with what happens.

XO,
KCZ