I listen to a lot of podcasts. For a lot of different reasons. I listen to
Savage Love and
Guys We Fucked to lightly entertain myself while walking dogs, I listen to
This American Life,
Radiolab and
Snap Judgement when taking a migraine nap or screen break and want to hear a beautifully told story. I listen to
Tara Brach's meditation talks in two instances: 1. To help me sleep (honesty is the best policy, right?) 2. When I feel like punching someone/thing because I have so many feelings that I don't know what to do with.
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| A recent peaceful moment, provided by Lubber Run & Lucy, the bulldog. |
She's a Buddhist teacher of meditation, "emotional healing" and "spiritual awakening". I put those terms in quotes not to make fun of them, but because I recognize that they are very subjective concepts that may seem wishy washy at first glance. I don't meditate, yoga is the most spiritual activity I've ever been involved in, but somehow her teachings click with me.
This evening I read this quote at the end of my yoga class:
“The emotion of fear often works overtime. Even when there is no immediate threat, our body may remain tight and on guard, our mind narrowed to focus on what might go wrong. When this happens, fear is no longer functioning to secure our survival. We are caught in the trance of fear and our moment-to-moment experience becomes bound in reactivity. We spend our time and energy defending our life rather than living it fully.” From Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
I realize that it seems like a pretty negative quote. It points out an emotional pattern that can be damaging and articulates how that damage is embodied. But for me, reading that passage was a happy surprise because it describes my emotional experience in a very simple way.
Fear or anxiety, has been an actor in my life for a long time, with varying degrees of power over my mental state at any given time. It's helped me in some ways, pushing me to work hard in school, to keep my room clean, to do X or Y menial task as soon as possible because of my fear of failure. But that fearful energy has also kept me from actually experiencing much of the beauty in my life. Because I was so addicted to my quest for achievement, I didn't take the time to breathe and see the wonderful things/people in front of me.
In my case, the fear-motivated achievement rampage ended in a screeching halt when my body decided to revolt and trap me in a year-long migraine that sent me back to my hometown to try to sort things out. One of the things I learned in that time away from normalcy was that anxiety & fear inhabit my body, and the resultant stress had built up so much that I cornered myself into sickness.
Because I found myself so abruptly halted in my path to adulthood, I was forced to look around a little. It turns out, it's pretty easy to live in the moment when your future is a giant question mark. The life I found when forced to step out of my fear-driven rat race grew into a pretty sweet setup, rich with friends, yoga, dogs and family. When I let go of the fight-or-flight impulses that led me to push myself so hard, I could breathe and take pleasure in simple things.
Tara Brach has another quote that describes the emotional growth I've experienced in the last few years:
"When we put down ideas of what life should be like, we are free to wholeheartedly say yes to our life as it is." - Tara Brach
Once I abandoned the lofty expectations I had set for myself, I was much more able to enjoy things for what they were and experience my emotions in a much fuller way. It was easier for me to simply know how I felt about something when I let go of how I thought I was
supposed to feel. My meta-feelings (feelings about feelings) had generally been negative and self-deprecating. Now, thanks to
yoga,
Tara Brach and some
hard knocks, my internal critic has quieted down a lot.
For example: I used to get anxious when sitting quietly with people, scared that if I didn't fill the dead air with some chatter or activity that people wouldn't enjoy being around me. Now, some of my favorite moments are the quiet ones, spent with someone I care about, enjoying a warm night or lovely view. The silence gives us license to speak only when we have something worth saying, so it has lead me to much deeper (and more memorable) conversations than I may have had before.
Perhaps this is all an overly complicated way to say that I am growing up. Either way, I think that Tara Brach's teachings can be a wonderful tool when trying to avoid the vicious cycle that can be caused by an overactive mind. I'll close on a positive note:
"There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life." - Tara Brach
XO,
KCZ
